Now you see me…now you don’t

“What happens when people you’re engaging with, employees, employers, team mates and even top management suddenly go silent on you? How do you respond, how do you foresee and stop it happening?”

Echoes of unanswered moments

Two incidents in the recent past spiked my blood pressure and curiosity at the same time. The first one happened while working on a very tight timeline, and a team member decided to do the disappearing act halfway through, after having volunteered for it in the first place. The second time a team member went completely invisible was when we were about to take a crucial decision on a not so complex matter. This delayed the process for over 8 months, without any solid reasons emerging from the involved person. Why this vanishing act? What sets people to do it? How had I missed foreseeing it? These incidents set me thinking on this now you see me now you don’t phenomena and here, I have shared some personal insights on these conjuring acts.

‘Being Absent from Where one should Be’ (AWOB), aka ghosting isn’t just for dating apps anymore. AWOB has many shades at the workplace and creates significant disruptions! It’s becoming increasingly common for employees, colleagues and even leaders at times to suddenly vanish without explanation. Whether it’s a candidate vanishing during the hiring process or an employee going silent on a project or a leader forgetting to communicate while juggling many priorities.

Why do people stop communicating abruptly?

Communication is the cornerstone of any community and it disturbs the community’s dynamics when one or more go incommunicado without any reason. Why does this happen? The most common reasons are, because they’re afraid to express themselves directly, want to avoid an awkward or difficult conversation or not take the responsibility of the particular job. Other reasons are slightly more hidden, they could be because of introversion, shyness, or perfectionism; a lack of connection, engagement and a breakdown of trust with and amongst people. Sometimes the belief that those they’re dealing with cannot handle a no, makes people simply vanish.

The act of going quiet or in hibernation has been around since we were children. What is new though, is the expanded context –

• The demands from the employee of today are multifold and complex – they want environments cued to mental wellbeing, that promote a balanced approach to work, adaptable working models, flexible schedules, life experiences and agility over traditional career progress. A disconnect between personal aspirations and organizational culture can cause an employee to just go silent, ghosting the company.
• We seem to be losing the skills of direct communication, collaboration, connection and engagement that used to come naturally to us humans. This makes it easy for people to just drop out and disappear rather than take effort to iron out issues.
• In the corporate environment, going silent all of a sudden could denote deeper organizational issues. However, there are several steps a leader can take to create an empathetic culture that brings down incidents of ghosting.

What can leaders do to enable a culture of ‘Being Present Where one should Be’ (PWOB)

1. Foster a culture based on mutual Trust: When people feel comfortable expressing concerns, they’re less likely to disengage or disappear. Establishing a culture where open, honest communication is valued and not judged helps build strong inter and intra office engagements. There are other things a leader can do.

• Encourage transparency. Let people know it’s okay to raise red flags or ask for help
• Create safe spaces for sensitive dialogues and conversations
• Make time for informal check-ins, such as a virtual coffee or a casual chat. They can go a long way in keeping connections going.
• Encourage activities that promote trust and camaraderie
• Use collaborative tools effectively to keep people engaged and involved
  Once people feel that they’re listened to in fairness, even when voicing dissent, the probability of arbitrarily disappearing tends to drastically lessen.

Once people feel that they’re listened to in fairness, even when voicing dissent, the probability of arbitrarily disappearing tends to drastically lessen.

2. Set Clear Expectations: Sometimes people don’t know what’s expected of them or they vaguely assume it. This is especially true in a hybrid and digitized world. Unclear job expectations and responsibilities create stress and distrust among colleagues driving people to disappear. Setting expectations is so important that leaders must diligently work on them.

• Co-create and clearly outline responsibilities, deadlines and expectations
• Set up regular touch points to track progress and course-correct if necessary. This prevents people from feeling they’re lost in the shuffle.

These steps taken by the leadership help employees bond better with projects, and take direct responsibility, which brings down any sudden disengagement.

3. Lead with Empathy and Accountability: Striking the right balance between empathy and accountability encourages employees to engage more fully, even during tough times. Some leadership behaviors build employee confidence and a feeling security to open up.

• Be a professional, be upfront, clear and logical in your communication
• Be prompt and timely in your communication – both good and bad news
• Be kind and honest – honesty without kindness is cruelty and kindness without honesty is hypocrisy
• Hold people accountable in a compassionate way. Work with them to understand why they are feeling disengaged and create a path forward
• Build a feedback loop so that employees feel listened to
• Thank people for their work. Foster a culture of appreciation where employees feel valued, and acknowledged for their work

Empathy fosters deeper involvement of the employees with management goals and with their teams. Chances of ghosting are rare when the employee is seen, acknowledged and appreciated.

4. Recognize the Importance of Mental Health Support: When people are overwhelmed and don’t feel they can ask for help or communicate their struggles, they mentally check out. To create an environment that supports mental wellness is imperative.

• Normalize mental health days and encourage employees to take time off when they need it, without fear of judgment
• Train managers to identify signs of mental distress and approach affected employees with care and understanding
• Watch for signs of disengagement, reduced productivity, or emotional fatigue and offer support proactively
• Encourage a balanced workload and prioritize realistic expectations
• Provide resources for mental health and stress management

We forget that ‘avoidance’ is a form of communication. Silence, disappearing, stalling are all genres of communication. In the end, it’s all about connection.

Dialogue, conversation, being present or whatever term you prefer, is the key to unlocking the “middle way.” A dynamic evolving space of dialogue and mutual discovery. A point where things converge and spark something new. An energy that transcends original positions held, almost like a door that opens, but the path forward isn’t rigid or predetermined, but is shaped by the engagement. A process of continual unfolding in the rhythm of the exchange. That is the essence of the “middle way” – an invitation to co-create and explore in unison. The middle way is the better way to stop ghosting in its tracks.

Author, Ruby Thapar, CFI Coach